Bubbleboy and guns

I don’t like guns. There you have it. I don’t own one, never have, never will. I believe – contrary what the NRA says – that guns kill people. I think nobody should buy eggs and ham at the local supermarket carrying a concealed gun, have drinks at a bar with a gun at the ready, or drive a car with a gun on a dash board.

Dangerous squirt gun fun, © Scott Rothstein | Dreamstime.com

Call me un-American but this is the West, not the Wild West. Grizzlies have long ago stopped roaming California and for other problems like horse thieves and trespassers there are laws addressing this.   As to people who’s political opinions we find repulsive – we teach our children that everybody is special and all people are our friends. Maybe we should try and find within ourselves the strength to adhere to the same principles rather than shooting them.

All the more surprising is it that I find myself in the position to have to defend my son’s constitutional right to carry – a squirt gun.  You see, by some fluke of nature or – more likely some unsavory piece of genetic code on the Y-chromosome and therefore entirely his father’s fault – my son loves guns. Loves, loves, loves guns. Any gun, all guns, plastic guns, squirt guns, BB guns, real guns especially. Everything is a gun, every stick, the fork, the tooth brush, pencils, crayons, fingers, drinking straws – I could go on.

Guns are not tolerated at school. Now here is a sentence I have no problem with, in fact I certainly hope they aren’t. It’s the fine print that bothers me, because guns includes – in addition to automatic, semi-automatic, and other real weapons so lovingly and frequently depicted on TV – plastic guns, toy guns of any kind, and by that I mean absolutely any kind, including that dangerous all-time favorite of violent and unstable kids: the squirt gun.

Now, I could even, maybe, on a particularly tolerant and politically-correct day somehow see that that might make sense – kids getting wet and all – if the punishment for carrying a concealed squirt gun would be something along the lines of a slap on the wrist, a 3.5 minute detention, or a stern look. However, slaps on the wrist are obviously unacceptable violence and therefore out, detention just means that the detainee needs to be supervised and who would want that hassle, and a stern look might really scare the little ones.

So, in their infinite wisdom they have come up with a wonderful solution that also satisfies all those who think that little boys should never touch a toy gun until they are about 13 by which time they can just go to the local Big 5 Sporting Goods and buy themselves a real one with the money they made lawn mowing or writing apps for the iPhone: the kid gets kicked out of school.

Again, I am not kidding. “Zero Tolerance” it is called. The kid brings a squirt gun it is bye-bye local public school close to home. I have no idea what happens to such kids, violent scum of the earth that they are, so will do some research and report that.

Meanwhile, I am frisking my son every morning for concealed weapons like a common criminal. He thinks it is hilarious to sneak stuff by mom and I just hope that I don’t miss a squirt gun one day.

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